I'm tellin' ya Ma, it was the perfect crime.

So way back in my early days as a prosecutor I had a kid who truly thought he was a genius, so he decided to rob a bank.  Let’s be honest, bank robbers always get away with it because banks don’t see it coming, right?  It is not like the have the best security on the market, or do they?

Anyway you may be asking, wait just one minute, you are a State prosecutor and robbing a bank if a Federal crime, why were you prosecuting it?  Well, this Einstein was so embarrassingly bad at robbing the bank and the Feds did not even want to waste their time with it.  This kids was literally too dumb to prosecute.  That is just a sad sad place to be in.  Anyway as the Feds did not want the bank robbery, so I took over the prosecution for aggravated assault against the tellers as well as armed robbery of the individuals who were there in the bank.

So if you are going to rob a bank, the first thing you need is a disguise.  One could use a mask, but that is so every day, why not mix it up a bit.  Our guy decided to duct tape his entire head. 

Neck to crown, this kid wrapped duct tape mummy stile all over his noggin. 

Step two, a weapon.  No one is going to hand over the cash if all you have is a water balloon and very few are going to buy the “I have a gun in my pocket” routine so let’s get the real deal.  Guns can be hard to come by and can be traced, a knife on the other hand.  We have a winner.

Finally we need a getaway plan.  Everyone runs from the bank, why don’t we go hide behind the bank?  They will never look there. 

So with a plan in place our mummified future Baby Face Nelson

went in to the bank.  Knife in hand, he demanded the money in the drawers (just like in the movies).  It was about this time, that it he determined that he needed a 4^th step in his planning, he had no bag to carry the money away in.  Not to fear he improvised, he shoved it in his pockets.

With loot in hand, er ahh pockets, he ran out of the bank, dropping his knife and some of the money along the way (insert coughing noise that sounds like "finger prints" here).  Our not so brave hero then went out back and over the next five minutes and in front of a security camera pulled the duct tape off of his head.  Trust me it was not pretty.  Leaving massive chunks of hair and skin (can we say DNA) and completely exposing his face to the camera the newly minted bank robber finally left the scene. 

As he made his way home, he learned that those stories about the exploding die packets are true as the money became currency that would only be accepted in Smurfville. 

He lost the ability to spend literally 80’s of dollars due to the dye explosion.  Yeah he only made it out with 87 bucks. 

With nothing to show for his efforts, as he made it to the solace of his home he found that the police were already there waiting for him.  Bleeding, missing large patches of hair and skin from the duct tape fiasco and blue from the waist down our young hero had nothing to show for his actions other than a booking photo and a striking resemblance to Yondu Udonta.    

Upon viewing the banks security tapes, one of the teller’s immediately recognized the robber has her son’s friend and police went to his home and were waiting for him before he made it back himself.  As if the ID and the blue pocket region were not enough, the DNA he left in the skin and hair on the duct tape behind the bank and the finger prints on the knife would be plenty to prove him guilty. 

While this crime was ill-conceived at best, the part that has made it stand out in my memory all these years was the recorded jail call between Yondu, Jr. and his mother.  He literally said to her “I have no idea how they got me? I had this thing planned out perfectly!  There is no way they should have caught me. I just can’t figure it out.” Chief Wiggum could have

solved this one before the first commercial break.  Besides being grateful for the admission that I could play in a subsequent trial, I just could not help but laugh.  This kid was too stupid to even know how bad at robbing a bank he really was.