Prosecuton, Dr. Pepper, Jack McCoy and Old Ben Stone - Why I Became a Prosecutor

“Hey, I can do that” was the thought that entered my mind as I watched actor Sam Waterston’s portrayal of New York City Prosecutor Jack McCoy as the character was delivering a magnificent closing argument in an old rerun of Law and Order. 

Man, I wish whoever wrote that episode was working for me now.  It was nearly 2:00 a.m. that fateful night and I had just returned home after a night of collegiate tomfoolery and in an effort to unwind a bit before my usual 3:00 a.m. to noon slumber I flipped on the TV.  As I drained the last of a 44-ounce Dr. Pepper, which had been sitting on my desk since earlier that day, possibly the day before, I decided right then and there I was going to go to law school and become a prosecutor.  

I wish I could now claim that it was a passionate desire to make the world a better place or even a yearning to protect the innocent that led me to the law, but nope, it was just a rerun of Law and Order, a flat, possibly three day old Dr. Pepper and a strong desire to not have to go find a real job in six months when I graduated from college that started me on the path to prosecuting criminals.   

While my initial desire to become an attorney was not overly altruistic, after doing it for over 16 years and in three different jurisdictions, I have grown to love what I do and that passion that was once fueled by the desire to continue to live the lazy life of the student has now been traded for a true desire to keep my community safe.  I am now motivated by the joy of speaking for the victims, young and old and in many instances those that are no longer with us due to the actions of their perpetrators.  In short, I am a bit less shallow than I once was.  Good for me.  

As I have worked as an attorney I have come across the strange and humorous as well as the heroic and the tragic.  The one take away from all of this is that real life lawyering is nothing like it is on TV.  Truth be told I think that if legal dramas were true to life no one would watch them because they would be way too boring.  In fact I will give everyone a free bit of advice, if you get a jury summons run for the hills.  If you are selected as a juror you have to listen to some blowhard like me for days on end.  The $12 plus lunch they pay you is way not worth it.  Oh, unless you are in Graham County Arizona where I practice, then do it.  I am awesome, and we need all the jurors we can get.  Plus the Judge here said something about contempt of court if I run anymore potential jurors off, but that is another story.  Oh and another side note, I am a lawyer so I don’t give free advice, you will receive my bill in the mail.  

Anyway back to the point.  I have prosecuted everything from shoplifting to DUI’s, and rape cases to first degree murder.  I would like to say I have seen it all, but I am terrified that is just not true.  There are a lot of sick o’s out there just dreaming up new and evil stuff.  All that being said some of the cases I have worked on and experiences I have had have been uplifting, funny, sad, ridiculous and even inspiring.  So with that in mind I though it may be fun to share a few of crazy things that I have seen as a deputy county attorney in Arizona.  

To kick things off, I thought I would tell you about a real life case here in the great state of Arizona that I had the privilege of working on.  OK, here are the facts:  A man was arrested for possession of meth.  He then pleaded guilty to possession of paraphernalia and was given a two year term of probation. 

Wow, sorry to take you on that roller coaster, all those ups and downs.  Quite the story right?  Like I said the real life stuff is nowhere near as interesting as what is on TV.  Not every case is a first degree murder case, thank goodness, and for every kidnapping case we have 600 meth cases.  I offer that as a reminder that for every funny or sensational story, just know that I have prosecuted another 600 boring meth cases in between.  

Anyway, to get this blog going I thought I would tell you about Cindy McElroy, the Valentine’s Day Vampire.  Writers note: #1 her real name was not Cindy McElroy, I have not changed her name to protect the innocent, as the say on TV, she was guilty as heck.  I honestly just don’t remember her real name and I am way too lazy to google it.  Writers note #2: Valentine’s Day Vampire is not a name I gave her to make this little story sound cool.  That name was actually ripped from the headlines as that is what she was called by the media.  This case is important to me as it was the first time I was ever on TV.  There was a great shot of my lower left buttocks as the camera man zoomed in on the defendant.  I may not be famous, and my face was never seen on the 10:00 news, but my butt has had its 15 minutes fame.  

Anyway, the Valentine’s Day Vampire was a young lady who claimed to be a Vampire and needed to drink someone’s blood, that is what Vampires do.  The only problem is people are surprising unwilling to let you drink their blood.  What’s a girl to do?  Well Ms. VDV decided that she would need to trick someone in to providing her with sustenance.  The problem was that the more she tried, the more people seemed to avoid her.  That was when inspiration hit her.  She will not lead with “hey I want to drink you blood,” but offer something that, well, let’s just say her potential male victims would be more likely to be persuaded by. 

So, on Valentine’s Day 2007 our friend, the VDV, found a victim.  She chose a homeless man in his 60’s.  After persuading him that she “liked it kinky,” the two retired to the most romantic venue available, the tool shed behind some dude’s house.  The victim in eager anticipation allowed the VDV to tie him up securing arms and legs.  Anticipating a very different experience, the victim became horrified as Ms. VDV began to cut and drink.  

After over 20 knife wounds and losing a whole lotta blood, the victim was able to get free running naked through the streets of Tempe before finding help and promptly passing out from the loss of blood.  

Well the case hit my desk as an in-custody arrest and it was up to me to charge it out and start the prosecution.  Ultimately a job change for me prevented me from seeing the case to his conclusion, but one of my colleagues was able to secure the conviction.  Too bad for her it would always be my butt that people remember.

So whats the take away from all this?  Three things, first: If you are 60+ year old homeless man and   Then adds “no on second thought I can’t wait, lets break in to that guys shed,” be suspicious, be very suspicious.  Second: There are a lot of weirdos out there and sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of what they do… if you don’t you may just cry, hence the blog. Finally: if you are going to be on the news, make sure they get your best side when they are filming.  That’s what I did.

while panhandling a 20 something ASU co-ed in a tight shirt says sorry, “I don’t have any spare change, but why don’t you come back to my place.”

Well that’s it for now.  Until next time, I may not have the writers that Jack McCoy did, but ahh… ahh… I may have to get back to you on that one.